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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
mood
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!