@weinerdog4life

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

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@batkaren

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

@Prero22

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

@MatCro

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

@matt___nelson

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

@causticbob

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

@Mom_Overboard

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

@SteveSuckington

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

@Kryzazy

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.