Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳