@ClichedOut

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

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@scumbelievable

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

@JustTashie

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

@XplodingUnicorn

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

@bgdadyspnkbtm

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

@KrissiBex

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

@Parkerlawyer

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

@Midgetspar

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

@KalvinMacleod

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

@fimoculous

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.