A passion inside me burns. It’s called chlamydia.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
You Might Also Like
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.