James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
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*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”