WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
BT: and a last?
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*
You mean orgasms aren’t those Japanese paper artsy things?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I leave my milk for 5 minutes…