JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Has science gone too far?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up