7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
so weird how every mom was born today
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
The French word for sex is croissant.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through