james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint

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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.


I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.


Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case


Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.


I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.


If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors


*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*


Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.



MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad