@linkindrinkin

james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint

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@junejuly12

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

@turtledumplin

I don’t post nudes cuz I don’t want to be responsible for y’alls heart failure.

@The_Albinoshrek

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

@thecrabbyhook

Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend.

@CarrieMayhem

I’m not stalking you. I’m getting to know you behind your back.

@Sophie2078

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

@dank_dino

*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*

@djdarrellripley

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

@mynameisntdave

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad