The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
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I have a hummus budget and caviar tastes.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
HER: Do you have any hobbies?
ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?
HER: No, hobbies
ME: Oh, then no