@Brampersandon_

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

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@KentWGraham

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

@aotakeo

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

@heymonroe

14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.

@SpacemanQuisp

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

@TheAlexNevil

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

@KissabiX

Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?

@Tmoney68

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no