They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”
J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
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Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Me: Seriously? You forgot already??
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’