James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My god she’s good.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.