James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.