james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Not today
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes