Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
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In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
The photographer’s assistant
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t