When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
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I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno