@dawneywawney

Jamiroquai, because Jamirodepwessed.

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@shamans_heal

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

@EricBedner

“Bye, losers.”
*puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses*
*rides unicycle into an elevator*
“Can you push the button for the lobby please.”

@Mom_Overboard

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

@RodLacroix

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

@UncleBob56

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

@jus4golf

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.