Jamiroquai, because Jamirodepwessed.

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My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.


Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.


“Bye, losers.”
*puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses*
*rides unicycle into an elevator*
“Can you push the button for the lobby please.”


I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun


Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.


My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.


Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.


How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?


I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.