@IAmMaggieMull

Jamiroquai because Jamirosad.

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@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@blonde_opinion

You can be anything you set your mind to become

Me: wants to be loved

*Becomes pizza

Life: adds pineapple

@tigersgoroooar

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

@joejwest

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

@FrazzleMyGimp

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

@steeve_again

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

@Darlainky

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.