[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Jamiroquai because Jamirosad.
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You can be anything you set your mind to become
Me: wants to be loved
Life: adds pineapple
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[types symptoms into WebMD]
WebMD: Eww. Gross.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.