Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
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Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one