PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
You Might Also Like
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.