@Shenanigans_luv

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

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@TheBoydP

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

@pork_steaks

“Was this car tested on animals?” “sir animals can’t drive” “will this car enable animals to drive?” “No” “SO YOU DID TEST IT!” “god damnit”

@AbleLikes

Once when my son was little he told me that I saved him from the zombies in his nightmare by hitting them over the head with bags of groceries and saying “how rude!” when they tried to bite people.

@astutenewf

My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.

@Book_Krazy

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

@PleaseBeGneiss

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

@ElKnuckelhombre

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

@TheBeerGuy73

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

@ginadivittorio

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook