Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
This raises questions
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man