Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂