jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
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[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.