Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room