Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
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I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me too
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth