Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“discuss your ideas with the person next to you”
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I’d probably pick living.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.