@samiru27

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

@TheBoydP

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

@lilgapeach30

If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.

@ThugRaccoons

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

@K49HAS_

“discuss your ideas with the person next to you”

me:

@toiletrapist

If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I’d probably pick living.

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.