Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist