Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
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Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
#polloftheday
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.