Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.