Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!