[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.


Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.


The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one


4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.


WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!


One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.


Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”


job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them