Me (in jail): hey officer these bars are made of iron, not nickel
Cop: ya so what
Me: so it’s a nickel-less cage
Cop:*macing me* son of a
[JanSport keynote address]
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
*Dies and goes toward the light*
Light: “I have a boyfriend”
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”
STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.