[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
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[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
they really do be looking like this
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Breaking news:
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.