@TheTimmyToes

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

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@truegritrumble

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

@juliussharpe

Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.

@rickolantern

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

@lisaxy424

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

@SherBoBer

WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!

@ohmygrapeness

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”

@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them