January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
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my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
When your parents check you’re ok.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.