[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
You Might Also Like
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.