@Fickle_Filly

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

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@Ndeshi_M

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

@_NTFG_

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

@AlexvanBeek

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

@crabgirl_

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

@GingerHotDish

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

@mom_ontherocks

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

@doktorj

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

@skittle624

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact