January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!


Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.



If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.



The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.


Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.


Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.



H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter


Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.


I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.


When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact