Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
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Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness
Him: Get on my level.
Me: You’re a gamer?
Him: You need to get out more.
Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.