@lurie_john

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

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@trishm426

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

@VenisVal

My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.

@e4moji

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

@Jeffwni

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

@JohnASinclair

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.

@Where__wolf

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

@BrainPornNinja

If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness

@mishakey

Him: Get on my level.
Me: You’re a gamer?
Him: ….
Me: ….
Him: You need to get out more.
Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.