@AdamOfEarth

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

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@rationalists

Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.

@gianni_bcn

To show off my “Downton Abbey etiquette” at the gym, I don’t throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.

@KandyKoehn

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.

-me as a therapist

@potch

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

@WeissBrandon

Apparently, “I just assumed” is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the “heavy flow” tampons.

@MattTheBrand

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

@LizHackett

God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.