January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
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Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Herpes is trending, good job people
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*