January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
New comic up. “Ransom”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters