japanese chef: “we need a name for our sauce”
me: “what about Keithyaki? haha”
my friend Teri: “i have a much better idea”

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To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke.

My apologies for taking a break. It won’t happen again!


There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.


ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!


ME: Store credit, then?


2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs


*outside my house*
– Don’t let them know you have Clifford
– Hey you must really like red your whole first floor is red, and barks?
– Damn


Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.


Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.


one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later