To the account who followed me while I slept and then unfollowed me before I woke.
My apologies for taking a break. It won’t happen again!
japanese chef: “we need a name for our sauce”
me: “what about Keithyaki? haha”
my friend Teri: “i have a much better idea”
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There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
ME: Store credit, then?
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*outside my house*
– Don’t let them know you have Clifford
– Hey you must really like red your whole first floor is red, and barks?
HIPPO: I’m really heavy
ZIPPO: I’m a little lighter
Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later