My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”