japanese corn
You Might Also Like
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.