I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?”
“Because your mum loves Easter and it’s an anagram of Easter”
“No problem Alan”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
A cannibal is just a foodie who likes other foodies.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
me: nvm ur already high lol
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE
Muslim: I do not eat bacon.
Jew: I do not eat bacon.
Me: I will have their bacon.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.