@TheToddWilliams

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

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@heykarlin

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

@theprojectclub

Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?”

“Because your mum loves Easter and it’s an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks dad”
“No problem Alan”

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@clichedout

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

@ChickenColeman

How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE

@brandonleecool

Muslim: I do not eat bacon.

Jew: I do not eat bacon.

Me: I will have their bacon.

@HenpeckedHal

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

@daddydoubts

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.