Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.