Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
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PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
synchronized noseblowing
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
need him
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything