jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I think we should hear other voices.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
There’s never enough good news
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Phones down.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex