jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
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Dietest Coke
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.