@TriciaLockwood

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

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@Kendragarden

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@KSekouM

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

@goldengateblond

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

@HeyZeus666

I’ve been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.

@dubstep4dads

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

@stereofiasco

I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.