@tastefactory

JASON: Oh good, this saves me some time.

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@hurlarious

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

@SmithWit

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

@MouthOfSass

Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard.

Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.

@MaryJustice86

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

@ericsshadow

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

@ScottLinnen

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

@Fat_Jalbert

[cop car]
Buzzfeed Guy: It’s okay I work for Buzzfeed
Cop: You robbed 10 banks
Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn’t believe how much I got from #6!