JASON: Oh good, this saves me some time.

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Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.


Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.


Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.


Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts

Daughter: What’s a newt?

Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?


Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore


7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection.
Me: How many do you have?
7yo: Zero.
7yo: I said it was empty.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”320887992258543616″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”208″;s:5:”tweet”;s:112:”Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.


My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.


Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you