Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.