him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
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Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If you cant beat’em, join’em! Then kill them while they’re sleeping.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”