@tastefactory

JASON: Oh good, this saves me some time.

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@girlnarly

[ikea date]

him: let‚Äôs go check out the beds ūüėČ

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

@AbbyHasIssues

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

@mela_shea

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

@Tadicles

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

@ImHopel3ss

If you cant beat’em, join’em! Then kill them while they’re sleeping.

@joshgondelman

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

@david8hughes

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”