Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
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Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘