Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

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[Hubs to my 6yo]

Hubs: So, your mother says sarcasm doesn’t work with children

6yo: You dont say!


ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*


“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”


“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.


Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …


Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.


me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot



me: can u buy me a drink