Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.