@haleysfalling

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

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@ArfMeasures

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

@pattymo

Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick

@mattgallo123

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

@fuzzypantaloons

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

@AimeeHelene1

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

@mobydong

Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.

@dafloydsta

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.