Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit