Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.