Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
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hamburger doesn’t need your help.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.