[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
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Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”