Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible