Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for