Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

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Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.



*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.


me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom


Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that


Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.


My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.


*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.


I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.


[inside washing machine]

duvet cover: climb in my brothers

every single piece of clothing: we shall build a new life in the big sock