Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
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Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.