Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day