@MarlonBrandNO

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

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@Thynebear

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

@squirrel74wkgn

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@TheHyyyype

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

@hippieswordfish

*bank*
‘miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding’

*twirls hair*
oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too

@CoopSoSarc

Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life

Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs

Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago

@MUMSIEesq

Having identical twins is great because if you misplace one you have a second copy.

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

@Home_Halfway

Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

@AmishPornStar1

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!