Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
You Might Also Like
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.