Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.