[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

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Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!


[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?


Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, “drop-off done” & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.


Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain


Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed


Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.


“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”


[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up


INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel