@MarfSalvador

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

You Might Also Like

@Megatronic13

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

@lawking30

Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, “drop-off done” & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.

@prozdkp

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

@Cryptoterra

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

@robdelaney

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

@Bexdora

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

@malt_skull

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

@TweetPotato314

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel